I'm terrible at keeping this blog up-to-date. What can I say? It has been a busy couple of months. But I am here now, and ready to update you all on my life these past few months.
My main focus has been on my recovery. As you know, I started IOP in February. Unfortunately I had a couple of relapses and had to start the IOP over. And then at the end of April, I had a bad relapse that ended with a trip to the ER and a two day stay on the psychiatric ward.
I honestly feel like the hospital stay was my rock bottom. I had been using the entire time I was supposed to be clean, and when I ended up in the hospital, I knew I was done. I couldn't continue to live like this. The lying, sneaking around, pretending that everything was going well was all just too much. I broke. But thank God I was given another chance to put myself back together.
While I was in the hospital, I spoke with my ACD counselor, C., and he informed me I was being kicked out of the IOP program because the treatment team felt I needed a more intense level of care. So it was agreed by him and myself that I would do 90 meetings in 90 days and meet with C. every other week for counseling and drug tests.
At first I thought this was going to be a huge hassle. I had to rearrange my work schedule for my part time job and was afraid I was going to lose precious hours. Once I spoke with my manager about the situation, I realized everything was going to work out. I gave up my one weeknight, but was given longer hours on Saturdays and Sundays. And actually, I like my schedule better this way. It was exhausting to work both my full time and part time jobs two days a week plus work all through the weekend. Now I am only working both jobs on Friday and can handle working through the weekend much better.
Going to meetings everyday has been extremely helpful. It has really helped me stay focused on my recovery and keep it my number one priority. It is always great to feel so connected to so many people. Going everyday has helped me to strengthen the relationships I had started to develop, and after 39 days of meetings I feel like I have made actual friends. I truly feel like I belong for the first time in my life.
I have also had two especially significant revelations, so to speak.
The first occurred a few weeks after my relapse. I was doing dishes at about quarter to eleven before I went to bed, and all of a sudden realized how nice it was not to be drunk or high all the time, and this almost physical feeling of relief came over me. It felt amazing to have that realization and I felt like "the miracle" had happened. It was the first time I truly felt that I could and would be able to stay in recovery from this disease.
The second revelation occurred just this past weekend. I had seen my psychiatrist a week ago and had asked for a refill on my Klonopin prescription because I was going to a wedding and was extremely anxious about being around alcohol and out of town so far away from my sponsor and support group. Dr. C. would not refill the script and made a comment that, to me, sounded like she did not believe I could stay clean. I became extremely angry and stormed out of her office. This past weekend I was reflecting on the incident, and came to the realization that she was right not to prescribe the meds to me. I had gotten through the wedding without the use of anything and was okay. And if I am 100% honest with myself, I have to admit that Dr. C. was right. Then I realized just how much the substances were getting in the way of my growing as a person and being able to learn new things about myself.
It was at that moment I felt something shift inside me, and could feel the acceptance of my disease. The thought of never drinking or using again no longer bothers me, at least for this moment. I can't say I will always feel that way, but I finally feel some peace inside myself. I no longer feel like I am still fighting with myself, or that I have a resistance against doing exactly what I need to do to stay clean. IT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!! I cannot fully describe how I am feeling inside. It is almost like a quiet happiness and contentment with my life.
I've slowly started to realize there are certain things I really truly like about myself, and that in itself is huge. For so long, I've hated everything about myself and my life, and felt so completely miserable. And now that I am working on staying clean, I've come to find I have some really good qualities, and a lot of blessings in my life that I am so grateful for. I am funny, creative, intelligent, hardworking, responsible, organized, caring, and a good sister, daughter, and friend. I love my piercings and tattoos, and that I am 100% uniquely me. There is no one else like me, and that is finally a wonderful thing.
I feel like I am on the right path in life, and am excited to see what the future holds. I have a few goals I would like to accomplish, and can't wait to see how I grow as a person.
With that my friends, I want to wish you all a great day! Lots of love! xoxo