Monday, February 18, 2013

Taking Control

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged.   I apologize, readers.  Life has just been happening, and although I intended to keep you updated, there just never seemed like a good time to write.

Today is though.   Because today marks the beginning of what will probably be the hardest journey I am ever going to take.  

Let me back up a bit.   Without going into too many details that are too personal to share, my life has simply become unmanagable by drugs and alcohol, and I am an addict.   This is not an easy thing to admit, although it is the first step to my recovery.   My use has been going on for quite awhile, and was a contributing factor to my breakup with the ex.   He also is an addict, although sadly not able to admit this to himself or others.  
As you know, I have been seeing a therapist since the beginning of this past June.   At her and my psychiatrist suggestion, I am beginning an intensive outpatient therapy program tonight.   I went in for an assessment last week and was admitted to the program.  Normally it is 3 sessions a week, for an hour and a half, for 4 weeks.  However, because I work my second job on Thurday evenings, and cannot afford to give this shift up, the program director was willing to work with me and let me do 2 sessions a week for 6 weeks.   After these sessions, there are 2 months of aftercare in which the group will meet and I will meet individual with my counselor.   I will also be randomly tested for drugs and alcohol throughout the whole process.   I am also required to attend at least 3 NA or AA meetings a week throughout the entire program. 

I have had so many different feelings in the past week about this program.   It is completely my decision to participate, so you might think it is odd I feel angry and resentful that I have to do this.   But no matter who I might be feelings those feelings toward, it is ultimately myself I am angry with.   I am angry I have let my life get to this point.  I am angry I am unable to stop using without this kind of help.  I am resentful towards my ex for introducing me to the drugs.  I am resentful I made the choice to use.   HOWEVER.  I am also RELIEVED!  I finally feel a glimmer of hope.   For so long, I have felt pain and desperation, shame and guilt.   I felt like my life was nothing, that I was nothing.   And although those feelings are most definitely still there, there is now a feeling of hopefulness.

I came clean to my mom a few weeks ago about my use, and that really began this whole journey.   Opening up and finally telling the truth was a weight lifted from my shoulders.   I also told some friends and other family members, and everyone I have told has been incredibly supportive and loving.   Not once was I made to feel like a failure.  I was told that I was strong and capable of overcoming this disease.   I was told I was loved and that there were people there for me.   I was even told that people were proud of me for being honest, and wanting to get help.   These were not the reactions I expected, yet they were what I needed in order to be able to keep moving forward.   I started to attend NA meetings last week, and instead of sitting back and just listening, I talked with other addicts.  I exchanged phone numbers, and I USED THEM, when I needed to this past week.   I even have a sponsor already.  

NA is definitely going to be one of the most helpful tools for my recovery.   Just about everyone I talked to said something that I had been feeling and thinking and living.  To see so many people who have succeeded in getting clean and staying clean gave me hope that I could do it too.  In fact, I know I can.  Because this is my life, and I want it to be a happy, healthy life.  I don't want to live in shame and guilt, pain and desperation.  I want to wake up in the morning looking forward to the day ahead and know that I can get through the day without drugs or alcohol. 

I know this is not going to be easy in any sense.  But I also know I have a network of people whom I can lean on for support and love.   My friends, my family, other recovering addicts, my sponser, my therapist, and my psychiatrist are all going to be people I depend on to help me through this journey.  And I am thankful for them.   But above all, I am thankful and grateful to God for His support and love.   I know without that, this would not be possible.   He is giving me a second chance at life, and I plan on taking full advantage.

Well friends, that's all for now.  Until next time.....